


They're Tendrils, And My Girlfriend Loves Them

by casstayinmyass



Category: Black-ish (TV)
Genre: Blow Jobs, Canon Compliant, Coda, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Smut, France (Country), Hand Jobs, Making Out, Meet the Family, Oral Sex, Porn Discussions, Reader-Insert, Shameless Smut, Shower Sex, Sitcom, Smut, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Valentine's Day, Wall Sex, Wine, Work Out Clothing, Yoga, spoken word poetry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-03
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-09-21 17:34:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9559787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casstayinmyass/pseuds/casstayinmyass
Summary: Each chapter is an episode coda with the addition of Johan and the reader's relationship. (the show timeline order is at complete random- this is whenever I get inspiration or requests)And oh yes.There will be smut.





	1. Chapter 1

When you first started dating Johan, you hadn't expected it to last more than his time in France. He was only there to teach for a couple of years, and he had already been living there for a few months when you met- when he left, you assumed he would break up with you. You were fine with this; the sex was amazing, the time you spent with him made you happy, and your relationship was nicely balanced. When it came time for Johan to leave, you baked him a cake and threw a going away party- just in time to be surprised yourself, when he asked you to move back with him.

You, yourself, had come to France because it was a good place for your line of work. You had moved there when you were younger and spent about five years there- so you would also be returning home, essentially, if you accepted Johan's invitation. Of course, who could say no to a man with hair that perfect, who could also go three rounds in one night?

You had quickly accepted, bringing out that gorgeous, sunny smile of your boyfriend's, and preparations were made. You were to go back with him in a month, after you both closed any loose ends with your jobs.

Everything was great. You were excited and you were head over heels in love. Only... Johan's living situation was less than he had made it out to be in France.

"Your sister's suburban house?" you had asked him, raising an eyebrow. Johan had winced a little, tucking you under his arm in bed as you laid against his bare chest.

"It's really big, so it's not like you'll be uncomfortable. And, like, my nieces and nephews are cool- I'm sure they'd love you!"

You held your breath. You would live anywhere with Johan- it didn't matter where you were, it mattered that you were together and all that noise. But...

"Do you pay rent?" you asked.

"Sometimes," Johan flashed you a little smile. You stared at him, and he sighed. "Look, back in America, I couldn't find any teaching jobs! I just had my spoken word poetry, and that one Christmas album I did, and sometimes life coaching, and that... well, that's it."

You traced a pattern around his chest, playing with the soft, black curls there. "Well, I look forward to meeting your family, baby." At this, Johan's face lit up, and you chuckled. "We're going to pay for stuff around the house, though. At least until we find a place of our own."

"Yeah," he nodded, hair flopping around, "Of course, totally. Um... one thing, though?"

"Yes?"

"My brother in law... kind of hates me." You had blinked outright at that. "He's kind of a controlling douchebag. I'm sure you'll be fine, though. It's probably just me he hates..."

Now, you're excited to meet his family, but his description of his brother in law was less than comforting. You would probably worry over impressions until the family dinner Johan had texted them about. Despite everything, Johan reassured you that you would be welcomed into the family...

Dre had a different approach upon hearing the news.

"Oh no. No, no, no, no, and... oh, how about no?!"

"Dre," Bow begins, giving him a look, "Dre, that's my sister in law. Or, soon to be if my brother's, as the kids say, "heart eyes" are anything to go on."

"We are _not_ letting your already freeloader of a brother bring his freeloader of a girlfriend to stay with him! In our house! _Our_ house," he let out a dramatic little sob, "That really doesn't feel like ours anymore."

"Oh please," Bow rolls her eyes, "We never have any problem making room for your aunt."

Dre's eyebrows go up. "AV is my favourite person, no talking shit about the queen in my kitchen."

"Your kitchen?" Bow challenges, pausing her pepper chopping to hold up the knife. Dre swallows.

"Not my kitchen."

"Anyway," Bow dismisses, sighing, "We haven't even met her- she's probably sweet! My brother's a sensitive... somewhat unorthodox guy, his taste in partners have always reflected that."

"How do you know?" 

"He sent me a very scared, very real picture of himself waking up next to this big hipster guy with a handlebar mustache when he first moved to France. He was terrified, and I will never not use that against him."

Dre rubs his temples. "Whatever. Johan is obnoxious, so she's gonna be ten times worse, you wait and see."

\-----

"Why am I always right?" Bow asks Pops, who shrugs, popping another corn chip in his mouth.

"Depends on who you ask." He walks over to the couch as you introduce yourself to your boyfriend's family, Johan's protective arm around you.

"And that's how we met," he finishes.

"You are a very smart, lovable young lady," Dre put a hand over his heart, smiling, "Not at all like your boyfriend."

"What, I-" Johan started to frown, but Ruby stepped in, placing a finger over his lips.

"Shhh sugar." She leans in. "If Dre likes her, black jesus has worked a damn miracle," she whispers with a dramatic flourish, "Leave it at that."

Johan accepts this, watching you chat and get along with his family. Well, at least life at the Johnson household wouldn't erupt into complete anarchy at the new addition.

Not yet, anyway.


	2. Episode 3x01: VIP

"They're gone," you grin, poking your head out the front door. Johan lets the curtain fall, and runs over to swoop you up, slamming you down into the couch.

"And we... are gonna get it on."

"Yes we are," you smile back.

"Mhmhmhm..." Johan chuckles, pressing kisses down your stomach. Just as he pops the button of your jeans with his teeth, a voice surrounds you like a god damn divine intervention.

_"No, ya aren't!"_

You both sit up on the couch, looking around. "Dre?"

 _"That's right,"_ Dre's voice gloats from what must be a surround system, _"I've got security cameras on you two all week. Nobody turns down Disney World, especially freeloaders like you, Johan, unless you want an empty house for dirty deeds. Trust me,"_ his voice lowers, _"I know."_

You frown, and Johan balls his fists in frustration.

"We finally get a week to get it out of our systems and you have to go and cockblock like that?!" Johan turns to you, muttering quietly, "Asshole."

_"Hold up, croissant, I heard that! And I'll hear every damn thing you do in my house this week on my recordings. So keep it in your pants, Romeo! Dre out."_

With that, there was a crackling, and you slump into your boyfriend's lap. "Fuck."

"Doesn't look like it," he mutters back bitterly.

"We really need to get our own place."

"We do."

You two stare at the fireplace for a straight minute, making no move to do anything of the sort, then get up.

"Well... we could kiss, at least..." Johan moves closer to you, fingers twirling in your hair and lips closing in on yours. When his lips finally brush against yours, there's a loud alarm that goes off all around you.

 _"BACK IN YOUR PANTS!"_ Dre barks, and Johan throws up his arms as you growl.

"Don't you have a vacation to enjoy?!" Johan grits out.

_"We haven't left for the airport yet, I still got time to supervise."_

"Who are you talking to, Dre?" Bow asks, placing her luggage on her lap.

"The robbers," Dre mumbles, then realizes what he said. "I mean... I'm... watching out for robbers! There aren't any... yet."

"Is that why you installed that expensive maximum security system yesterday all over the house?"

"Yes, I'm protecting this family from afar."

"And it has nothing to do with you, paranoid about Johan and (y/n) fucking on every surface of our house?"

"N-Nah!" Dre sweats, and turns away nervously, grabbing a random magazine to bury his nose in.

"Mhmm." Bow just rolls her eyes.

For the rest of the day, you and Johan are as celibate as you could ever be. Late afternoon, you've settled in to watch a movie with him... and you have an idea.

"Where's that blanket?" you ask quietly, as the events of Jeepers Creepers play out in front of you.

"Under the table, I think," Johan murmurs, "Why?"

Suddenly, he catches on, and you grin as he gets up quickly to get the blanket. Tossing it over you both, you very inconspicuously begin to stroke the tips of your fingers up and down his length through his pajama pants, feeling him fill out in record speed.

"You like that, baby?" you grin.

"Love it," Johan breathes, trying not to reach over and just take you on the couch. You squeeze some lube out onto your fingers, and rub them together.

"Maybe if I..." you mumble, and slip your hand into his pants, feeling the weight of his dick. He gasps a little, and you smirk wickedly, starting to stroke him up and down. He shifts his hips ever so slightly, and you give him some more friction, beginning to slide your fist over him faster. "You're so big, Johan..." you whisper.

"Fuck, (y/n)..."

"What if I did..." you roll your thumb over his slit, "This?"

"Ahhh," he breathes out, looking like he is using every ounce of self restraint he has. You know exactly how he likes his hand jobs.

"Wish I had my lips around your cock," you whisper, "Love the taste of your cum..."

"Ohhh, shit," Johan whispers back, "Coming, coming, co-ahh-"

_"OH, I WISH YOU WOULD!"_

Johan squeaks, letting out a garbled shriek as he comes into your hand. You clutch at your chest with your other hand, scared out of your mind. Dre shouts again.

_"I know you didn't just do what I think you did under my damn blanket?!"_

"I just came listening to my asshole brother in law's voice," Johan whimpers to you, eyes wide with trauma, "I don't think I'll ever be the same."

"It's okay, honey," you soothe, stroking his hair, then realize you've got his sticky mess all over that hand. "Oops?" you giggle, and suddenly, you both realize what this means.

"AHA!" Johan jumps up and shouts to the system, "We're gonna get a shower! A shower, Andre! You can't watch us in there!"

" _Dammit_ ," you hear, _"Knew there was a loophole."_

From where they are in Orlando, Bow frowns at her husband. "Who are you watching in the shower?"

"Nobody!" Dre smiles quickly, shutting off his phone, "Thank god."


	3. Episode 3x11: Their Eyes Are Watching Screens

You giggle as Johan takes your hand, walking toward the staircase.

"You two! _You two_!" you hear, and immediately feel the overwhelming energy of an incoming Rainbow Rant™. You both turn, and your sister in law takes in a deep breath, narrowing her eyes at you.

"What is it?" Johan asks, placing both hands on his sister's shoulders. "You look stressed." Bow clenches her jaw, tossing them off.

"You are responsible for my ten year old's porn habit!"

"I never thought I'd hear those words," you mumble, but Johan steps in.

"Wait... what? Jack discovered a normal rite of passage and you're blaming it on us?"

"For your information, _bro_ , it was Diane."

"I would have expected her to discover ritual beheadings before porn, but okay..."

"Johan, just because you discovered that your body parts had other uses through the internet and unhealthy viewing of the Oprah Show when you were unnaturally young, that doesn't make it a rite of passage."

"Oprah?" you turn to look at your boyfriend, and Bow nods.

"Oh, full body ceiling poster and everything."

"You serious?!" you snort, and Johan retracts, sniffing defensively.

"She's a voluptuous woman..."

"Beside the point!" Bow all but screeches, and takes another slow breath. "She obviously heard you two..." her eyes shut, choosing her words carefully, "Making love, and decided to search it up out of curiosity."

"That's absurd," Johan frowns, and you join in.

"Yeah! Diane and Jack's room isn't even beside ours!"

"No. Your room is beside _ours_ ," Bow deadpans, giving you a look, "And you two have a serious case of new couple, go-at-it-like-rabbits syndrome."

"I'll have you know, we're hardly a new couple," Johan once again protests, "We got together in France three years ago."

"Ha! Okay, new couple," Bow laughs, and you frown.

"We don't go at it like rabbits. We're normal people, I mean- sometimes we skip a _whole_ day, when I'm PMSing!"

"You're actually hornier when you're PMSing, babe."

"Mm, true..."

"But... I-I sometimes don't get a morning blow job!" Johan points out, and you're quick to nod.

"Yes, exactly, see?! Like pfft... we're not sex-crazy."

Bow just stares between you, and rubs her temples.

"Okay, I can see that I'm getting nowhere with you two. Keep it down, or get a room somewhere for the night."

"Bow, look," you sigh, "I totally get it. I'd wanna protect my kid from it too- but it's gonna happen at some point! She's a little young for it now, yes, but sometimes, the internet's the only thing there for kids to understand stuff."

"Very well put," Johan nods, and you smile as he adds, "Even if she has heard us, just tell her we were, uh..."

"Uhh... playing football!"

"Yes! Yes, football," Johan nods.

"Asking him to... throw... harder," you try.

"And... slide... deeper," Johan frowns, "Cause people do that in football, right? They slide?"

"Yeah, yeah, I think they-"

"Alright, enough," Bow looks thoroughly disgusted.

"Anyway, she probably already knows we do it, even though there's no way it's because she overheard us that she looked up _porn_. We're not that loud!"

"Yeah, we're practically soundproof. We always put on the wave machine when we fuck, so we can have kinky mermaid sex." You and Johan gaze at each other lovingly, but are interrupted by a small voice behind you.

"You do _what_?!"

All three of you turn to Diane, and Johan's eyes widen. Bow shakes her head, putting both hands on yours and your boyfriend's shoulders. "You guys have got this one."

You and Johan look at each other, then down at the little girl.

"So, Diane..." you swallow, "You know how your Uncle Johan and I like each other... very very much?"

"Ah, nope!" she holds a hand up, and crosses her arms. "Not today." With that, she makes a face, narrows her eyes, and gives the 'I've got my eyes on you' motion as she walks away. You huddle behind your boyfriend.

"She scares me."

"She scares everyone."


	4. Episode 3x08: Being Bow Racial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't get over how good he looked in his workout clothes ahh.

Johan's all dressed up for cardio today. He's got a certain routine- drink white wine, get into gear, go for a run, do lunges and squats, the drink more white wine. It's working quite well for his body, actually, and you would know. Some days you would join him in his great Pilate feats- some days, it would get hot, and you would join him until you were both making out and half naked on the floor, tangled up in each other in a sweaty, breathless mess.

But today, you're just in it for the voyeurism.

"Appreciating the view?" he asks, and you hum the affirmative. His shorts are loose, and you can tell he's not wearing underwear.

"Like a finely sculpted piece of artwork, worthy of the Luvre."

"That beautiful?"

"Beyond. Keep doing that... whatever it is you're doing, your ass looks nice."

"Downward doggy style."

"Okay, that is 100% not what it's called," you snort.

"Fine, angel mine, you caught me in the act of trying to turn you on."

"Oh, you're doing a fine job of that without words... what pose is that now?" you smile.

"Uhh..." Johan murmurs, "Crunches?"

"So... you're just mixing every exercise under the sun and calling it yoga? Really, you're pretensious enough."

Johan frowns dejectedly. "The French call it ' _Mélange Exercise_.'"

"The French do no such thing." Johan pouts at you, and you can't resist your boyfriend's obnoxiously furrowed brow and jutted out lip- you set your lemonade down and crawl down from your lounge on the couch to sit on your knees in front of him. "Fuck, you look sexy in that outfit." Your eyes run over his bulging biceps, the veins running up them giving you the filthiest images of him holding your hips while you ride him into the mattress.

"Yeah?" he grins, ghosting his lips closer to yours so that your noses are almost touching, "Ruby seems to think so too."

"You called?!" Bow's mother in law sauntered into the living room, eating an apple.

"Speak of the devil," you mutter.

"If we're going to talk about the devil here, let's talk about when you think all of us are asleep and unassuming, the unholy acts you two get up to in the dead of night." She gives you a pointed look, then bites her lip. "And all the unholy acts I'd like to get up to with your boy..."

"Don't you have somewhere to be, Ruby?" you ask with a sigh, and she leaves with one last seductive bite to her apple. Johan shudders.

"Save me."

You smirk, turning your attention back to him. "Oh, I'll do more than save you... I'll fuck myself on your dick so hard you'll forget you're in your sister's house and scream so loud they can hear you in France."

"A big nope to the cobra pose, then," Johan squeaks, clearing his throat and wincing as he rubs at his crotch.

Suddenly, Dre walks into the kitchen. "What do you two think this is, a couple's yoga retreat?" he snaps.

"It's so not yoga," you point out with a laugh.

" _Hot_ yoga, then!" he barks.

You raise an eyebrow. "Bad day?"

Dre-the-man-child-Johnson stares at you, then his face twists into a sob as he rips open a bag of his therapy cheetos. "I don't want to talk about it."

You shrug, turning back to Johan. "Anyway... as I was saying..." your head dips down between his legs, carefully mouthing kisses up his left thigh. "You turn me on when you look like this... all muscled up, breathing heavy, that look of concentration on your face like you're lifting an entire building when really you're just lifting Bow's fit pregnancy leg bags..." As you say this, you get on Johan's back as he does a push up, carefully letting yourself go so that he can support you. "Think you can take me?"

He gladly accepts the challenge beginning to work the weight of both of you up and down.

"It ain't a damn brothel either!" Dre shouts, and scurries away with his cheetos and tears.

"Brothel?!" Jr. shouts as Johan finally lowers, bouncing in from the hall, "Get ye evil flesh peddlers to the black dungeons!"

"Not everything is Game of Thrones, Jr.," you mutter.

"It is when you're riding me like a horse," Johan shoots up at you smoothly, and he and Jr. share a high five.

"We both peddle fantasies, brother Johan," you quote with a small smile, giving in, "Mine just happen to be entertaining."

"Oh damn, (y/n) just one upped you in the game of quotes," Jr. whistled, "Will you recover from this blow of epic proportion?"

"Jr, my response is not one I shall proclaim with you still around," Johan murmurs, and you giggle. Jr. slowly backs away.

"Understood, understood. Love must be given the proper breathing space, or it just can't blossom."

You both watch him leave upstairs.

"Odd one, he is," you comment, though not without a hint of fondness.

"He's fluent in Klingon."

"No!"

"Yes."

"Shit, that's cool..."

"Right?"

You two gaze at each other. "Well... I'm pretty wet," you announce.

"That's nice," Johan swallows, "I still have four sets left."

"Four?"

"Three?"

"Two."

"Fine, two."

Just then, the front door jangles open, and Bow yells, "TAKING ZOEY TO WORK AND THE KIDS TO PRACTICE, BE BACK IN TWENTY."

From upstairs, Dre yelps a stunted response, and you grin wickedly. Nobody would be downstairs for a while.

Standing up and bouncing to your feet, you turn around, untying your halter top and unlatching your bra.

"Woah woah woah, whaaaa, what are you-"

" _Ahhh_ yeah, that's nice," you all but moan, still not bothering to turn around, "Mmmhmm, much better. I feel so free now without that stupid shirt on..."

"F-Free to turn around?" Johan asks hopefully.

"I think I'll get a drink," you mumble idly, and he watches your tight booty shorts as you walk to the fridge. By now, you're a little cold, as you have nothing on top, but it's worth it to know you've got Johan desperate.

"Aw, did you finish the pinot grigio, boo?" you fret, and Johan stammers over his words.

"Probably...? I... I don't... mmm... oh..." you can hear him adjusting himself, and when you finally turn around to give him a look, he makes a small noise as he attempts to formulate an answer for you. "I finished the wine, but there's still some boobs- uhmm, cubes of cheese left."

You blink at him, innocently nodding. "Thanks, hun."

"Pas de problem," he tries to focus back on his sit ups, and all you can think of is damn, those aaabs.

"Johan?" you finally sigh.

"(y/n)?"

"I am _literally_ offering you free pussy, and you choose sit ups over staring at my bouncing tits?"

"I pretend to be smart," he gulps, and launches himself up, eyes falling down to your round breasts as he slams you up against the refrigerator. "Ohh, those are mine," he mumbles, thumbing over your erect nipples, "All mine, like the last pink macaroon at a classy dinner party."

"Damn right," you gasp, shucking up his blue tank top over his wild curls, "Get that macaroon, _fuck_..." Now beautifully shirtless, he plucks one of the ice cubes from your lemonade, licking the sugary drops off obscenely and sliding it down, between your breasts, south of your abdomen, and sliding it down your-

"Oh!" you cry out, rolling your hips.

"Good?" he asks, eyes searching.

"Amazing," you shiver, and try the same with him, taking a fresh chunk of ice and dragging it over the curly hair on his chest, down over his abs. His muscles contract under the shock of the cold, and you see his cock jerk in his track shorts. "Please, _please_ fuck me," you breathe against his mouth, and he presses a quick peck to your nose before hauling you to the main level bathroom. There, you both begin ripping clothes off, layer after layer of the little you both have left. Johan pops his head out the door.

"Don't come downstairs, I'm practicing my spoken word and cannot be interrupted from _the zone_!" Johan calls up to Dre, who responds with something like, " _Start paying rent and I'll think about it, mooch!"_

Whatever. You can barely hear by now with the blood rushing in your ears, heartbeat thrumming wildly. Johan's mouth is on your left breast, sucking so hard he's leaving hickeys there.

"I need your dick," you keep gasping, massaging his bulge through his shorts until he growls and pulls them down, lifting you up the wall.

"Shit," he whispers, holding his dick and trying to move you so it would be a smooth slide. You finally feel his tip just inside you, and grind your hips down, burying him all the way in.

" _Ohh_ , the majesty," Johan whimpers, and you bow your head to rest on his shoulder, shaking in laughter.

"Once you're done reveling in the beauty that is my vagina, you can feel free to move."

Taking that as a cue, he pulls out a little, pounding back in until you're practically sobbing for more. As he continues to fuck into you, you make use of his tendrils, tugging them down so that his face is in the nape of your neck.

"Suck on me," you whisper, and he begins to mark you all over. The wall makes a loud knocking sound every time Johan thrusts into you, and with the force of his pounding and the heaves of your moans, you're surprised you haven't been called out for it yet.

"Baby... baby, I'm..." he gasps, his eyes closing and lips parting.

"I'm close," you breathe into his shoulder, and he connects your lips, sweeping his tongue deep into your mouth. Your hands fall down to his forearms for support, and the feel of his flexing muscles coupled with the stretch of every heavy thrust he fucks you with, you're a melted mess by the time he's shaking.

"(y/n), I'm really close-" he whines, and you clench your pussy around him, biting his bottom lip a little. With that, he gives a particularly deep thrust, sending you over the edge as he fights off his orgasm.

"You're so fucking hot," you whisper, riding through your climax with a dirty groan, "And I know Ruby wants a piece of this, because who doesn't, but this ass?" you grab him, "It's mine as _fuck_."

Johan lets out a little sigh, and comes hard inside of you, warmth filling you until you can feel his seed drip down your thigh. After he pulls out, he collapses against the wall, jerking himself lazily through the aftershocks.

"What a workout."

"What. A. Workout," you echo, curling into him, "Honey, we deserve a treat after that."

"You know what we should do now?"

"Toast a croissant and drizzle some browned butter on it, with an amuse bouche of smoked gruyere?"

"My god, it's like we were created for each other."

Just as you're about to get up, you hear a sharp bang on the door.

"Will you get out?! I've needed to pee since soccer practice, and Diane won't leave the one upstairs!" Jack calls, hopping around.

"Uhh, inquiry... how long have you been home?" Johan calls cautiously.

"Long enough," Zoey snorts, and you peek your head out the door, blushing red.

"Johan was just... being a sweetheart and helping me go to the bathroom!"

"Yes."

"What?" Jack frowned.

"Well, my back's really been hurting these past few days, so..."

"That's why you were doing yoga a half hour ago?" Johan's niece raised an eyebrow, "Aaand, that's why it looks like a ransacked laundromat out here?" This leaves you to sputter.

" _Get up_ ," you hiss at your boyfriend, and he covers himself with his muscle top.

"Sup, Jackie? Don't tell your mother. Or father. Or anyone, for that matter."

"Come on, Uncle Johan. Nobody in this house is stupid," Jack rolls his eyes. Suddenly, Jr. emerges.

"GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY, you can record two shows at once on Tvo?!"

"Well..." Johan sighs as he tosses you your bra, "C'est la vie."


	5. Episode 3x04: Who's Afraid Of The Big Black Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of people requested this one, so here you are! This chapter fts. some smut at the end, but is generally a little more feelsy and deep than the others, as it deals with some serious issues.

"I've got a telescope for my third eye.... guess you heard, I.... came to Sherman Oaks to stay with my sister's folks, I eat egg whites with my toast- too much cholesterol in the yolks..." Your boyfriend touches his chest, his forehead, and lifts his finger to the sky in what looks like a spiritual revelation. "They Call Me Johan."

"Oh!" you squeal on the edge of your bed, clapping, "That was... it was..." you blink four times, " _Wow_ , baby, aha!"

Johan smirks at you. "Yeah?"

You feign a wide smile. "Shyeah! God, that was _so_... amazing. Like, I could listen to your spoken word all day, boo."

Johan beams, tugging on a blue plaid shirt. After his curls emerge from the neckline, he sits down beside you on the bed. "Yes, I think it was pretty fresh too, if I do say so myself."

You continue to nod, smile hollow, albeit loyally unfaltering.

"You hated it, didn't you?" he deadpans, and you slide yourself over into his lap, resting your forehead against his.

"That one _does_ sound better when you're fucking me."

Suddenly, there are three loud knocks on your bedroom door. "If you're comin', we're leaving in five minutes!" Dre calls, and Johan looks at you again.

"You sure you don't want to come, (y/n)?"

"Yeah," you grin, "Go meet people from the neighbourhood- who knows how much longer we'll be here? Zoe needs help with her entrance paper anyway, and I'm kind of striving to be _that_ cool aunt."

"Right. Just make sure my sis doesn't find out you helped Zoe- she'll feel personally offended her own daughter chose you over her."

You nod, smiling, and Johan kisses your cheek before placing a real kiss on your lips. Dre's jumpier than usual- he seems to think they'll be out of their element at the Homeowner’s Association meeting, which, yes... the Johnsons are one of the only black families in the area, but that doesn't mean it'll be any less enjoyable. Besides, they had been invited by the sweet next door neighbour, Jeanine...

_The one that stared at Johan way too much._

Your eyes narrow, and you distract yourself by jogging over to Zoe's room where she's typing away. 

\----

"All I'm saying is, white women don't just trust us," Dre explains, driving down the suburban street and hanging a left, "It just doesn't happen."

"Dad, that opinion may be a little dated," Junior muttered, cocking his head.

"It has never been more relevant an issue, Junior," Dre shook his head, looking at his son through the mirror, "We've still got a long ways to go."

"Uhhh, your logic has too many fallacies to _count_ ," Johan frowns from the back seat, "Actually, I _will_ count, you've got-"

"Shut it!"

"So aggressive."

When Dre, Junior, and Johan arrive at the meeting, they try their best to mingle. Johan and Junior seem to fit in right away, but it's Dre that remains on edge.

“Lighten up,” Johan frowns, cheers-ing his brother in law’s wine glass, “Experience life as it is meant to-“

“Alright, I’m good without your bullshit,” Dre mutters, pursing his lips. Johan shrugs, taking a languid sip of wine.

“I don’t see why we don’t come to these parties more often. This actually surpasses the chilled ten dollar grape water you call wine.”

“First of all, this is not a _party_ , and second of all, if you and (y/n) want good wine, buy a damn vineyard back in France and _move your asses out to it!”_

“These are the Johnsons, everyone!” Jeanine suddenly comes in with, and Dre quickly slaps on a large smile, waving at everyone nicely. Johan nods to everyone, and Junior starts shaking hands like the friendly guy he is. “Welp. We’ve all seen Andre and Junior around, but you’re the new kid in the _'hood_ ,” the middle aged blonde grinned at Johan, giggling at her own obliviously racist joke, “I’ve seen your rap posters all over town. Care to introduce yourself to the our li’l community we’ve got here in Sherman Oaks by "spittin' a few bars," homie!?”

Johan blinks at her. "It’s… it's not rap, it’s sl-"

“Gimme some of that _spray_ , feel me?!"

"That... means to shoot people..."

"C'mon, _bruh_! Let's _get it_!" she laughs, pounding her chest, and Johan shoots her the bitchiest of all stares before clearing his throat and placing a hand over his chest in a far classier manner.

"I've got a telescope for my third eye....” he begins. Dre stares at him with utter contempt, whereas Junior closes his eyes and nods along passionately. Once Johan ends with the, "They Call Me Johan,” everyone claps heartily, seemingly in awe of him, and Dre crosses his arms.

“Wasn’t that good.”

“Are you kidding? That was amazing!” Junior exclaims, and turns to his uncle with clasped hands. “Teach me your art, sensei.”

“It comes naturally, or not at all, grasshopper,” Johan pats Junior’s shoulder sympathetically, and walks off to mingle some more and bask in the praise.

Meanwhile, at home, you’re sprawled out on your stomach on Zoe’s bed, reading her essay.  

“So… you’ve got a pretty good concept,” you assure, biting your lip, "Yeah, it's... it's pretty awesome! Just, um, the only thing I would change is, maybe don't include your Instagram and Snapchat handles at the end?"

"Oh... okay..."

"And, like, what about... revising the special skills? Maybe? Possibly?"

"What?" she scrunches up her nose, "Why?! Applying lip gloss from between my boobs is totally a special skill- I learned it from the Breakfast Club!"

You laugh a little. "Zoe, you're applying for fashion management." With one look at her disgruntled expression, you sigh, and rise. "Maybe I'm not the person for the job. Maybe ask your-"

"Wait, (y/n)," Zoe murmurs, closing her laptop. You turn back nervously, and she beckons you back over. "(y/n), I'm scared. Like, really scared. This is a huge step, and I'm just..." She shakes her head, rubbing over her face. You sit back down, hugging your knees to your chest.

"I went through the same thing. Everyone did."

"But look at you now! You're a successful, strong woman, and you and a Uncle Johan are like, couple goals. All I get are thirsty DMs."

You giggle, leaning against her. "Hate to break it to you, but those thirsty guys don't stop coming. You've just gotta find someone to help you fend them off." Your giggle turns to a full on laugh. "Anyway, successful? Girl, we live with your parents."

"Still," Zoey rolls her eyes, "You're smart, and so sure of yourself."

"Hun... I may be a lot of things- your Uncle Johan too- but one thing we are _not_ is sure of ourselves. The climate of the world is changing right now, and we're just as scared as you are... just, of other things." You look down. "It's a fluid feeling. It changes sometimes, but it's always there to remind you to stick with it- whatever it is."

Zoe takes a minute to stare at you, then smirks. "You're definitely the cool aunt."

_"Fuck yes!"_

\-----

Jeanine is now shitfaced drunk, and everyone at the meeting is proposing Dre be the one to drive her home this time, as it is somewhat of a rite of passage for each member of their community.

"Uhh..." he mutters, "Okay? I mean... yeah." He turns to whisper to Johan, who is partaking in some limoncello gelato, "They actually trust us with a drunk white woman?"

"Why shouldn't they?" Johan scrunches up his nose.

"Yeah dad, why shouldn't they?" Junior crosses his arms.

Dre scoffs at the two of them. "Y'know what? _Fine_."

The ride home has Dre in a constant state of paranoia due to driving without a licence on him, which is only made worse when Jeanine passes out in the passenger's seat.

"What if we get pulled over?!" he asks, checking out his window, "This is not going to look pretty." He imagines the scenario.

_"Evening officer. Funny story- I forgot my license, silly me!"_

_SLAM. Jail time._

"Just... tell the officer you made an honest mistake," Johan shrugs, "People lose their license all the time."

Dre considers this.

_"Funny story, officer! I just started wearing skinny jeans, and my wallet doesn't fit in my pants."_

_SLAM._

"Dad, why can't you just tell the officer whose car this is? I'm sure they'll believe you."

Dre considers this.

_"Whose car is this, officer? Oh, funny story... it belongs to the unconscious white lady to my right."_

_SLAM, DOUBLE SLAM._

"Before you explain anything, tell him you have a video camera," Johan suggests, and Dre frowns.

_"Evening officer! Just wanted to let you know, I'll be videotaping tonight."_

_BANG. CUE FUNERAL MUSIC._

"I ain't ever listening to you," Dre snaps at your boyfriend, who glares back. Suddenly, they all hear the wail of a siren.

"Oh, shit," Dre yelps, and collapses over the dash, "Why, dear God, why?"

"Stay calm. Let's handle this rationally, like the civilized, progressive people we are," Johan huffs confidently, and Junior and Dre nod.

"Right."

"Yeah."

Dre pulls over, and after a minute of waiting, he opens the door, and takes off running.

"Hey! Hey, you can't-" Johan tries, his own suppressed panic beginning to swell. Despite the nerves, he refuses to indulge it- it's just what a systematically oppressed society has conditioned him to worry over, nothing more. He just keeps thinking of you, your face, your optimism and his own optimism and how the police were generally very nice and it was very rare to get a racist and it would all be fine because they were in a privileged, safe neighbourhood and he could sweet talk his way out of anything and _oh shit, he's terrified._

You pad down the stairs when you hear the door open, excited to greet Johan and ask how frumpy all the housewives looked; as you get the bottom, though, you're surprised to find Dre there, alone and out of breath.

"Where's Johan?" you ask apprehensively, craning your neck to check behind him.

"Where's Junior?!" Bow crosses her arms. Dre looks back and forth between the both of you women advancing on him.

"I-I was here all night, watching fantasy basketball, alright?"

"Dre, what's going on?" Bow asks, and you walk closer, worry eating at you.

"Umm..." he tries, "The two of them... are..."

"Safe? _Dead_?!" you escalate to a screech, and Bow clutches at her chest. Dre bites his lip.

"I maaay have left them at the scene of a pull over when I fled?"

"You _WHAT_?!" Bow and you both scream at the same time.

Back in the car next to Johan, Junior shifts uncomfortably.

"So," he begins, fiddling with his thumbs, then without warning, throws the car door open, following after his dad as fast as he can and leaving Johan alone with the passed out Jeanine.

The officer approaches with a flashlight, scowl already forming.

"Ah! Bonsoir, officer," Johan attempts a smile, "F-funny story..."

You pace, fuming mad at Dre and worried sick by now about your boyfriend and Junior. Suddenly, the door opens, and your heart leaps...

It's Junior, and he's also alone.

"Where the hell is my boyfriend?!" you shout, and Junior scratches the back of his neck.

"Yeah... so, I maaay have fled the scene and left Uncle Johan there?" There's some more shouting, most of it probably yours, until Zoe, Diane, and Jack all come dawdling down the stairs, yawning.

"What's going on?"

"Yeah, it's late..."

Outside in the dark neighbourhood, Johan stumbles home, pain in his newly exposed shoulder aching badly. The houses that previously seemed bright and welcoming to him now seem to be closing in. He finally reaches the front door, and-

"Johan!" you cry, rushing over to him in a tackling, bone crushing hug. He winces and makes a little noise, and you immediately pull away tenderly. "Jesus fucking Christ... what the hell happened to you?!" He looks so dazed and vulnerable, which is strange to see your usually over confident ass of a partner in such a demeanor. While there doesn't appear to be any serious injury, he's pretty worse for the wear, and badly shaking on top of that.

"We..." he starts to say, trying to patch together in his spinning head ways to explain, then resigns himself to a sigh. "Dre was right. We have got a _long_ way to go."

You hold him as he groans, and Bow rushes off to grab some numbing medication and bandages. You finally take your dishevelled boyfriend upstairs, emotions a mix of anger and guilt.

"Dammit Johan, I should have been there," you murmur, "What did you say to the officer?"

"I tried to tell him the truth, but... it was a dressing down, nothing more," he sighs, "Stupid. It's always stupid, there's no reason for this."

"But you're the one who's always defending the cops."

"I'm not defending the cops, I'm defending common human decency," he complains, grimacing as you feel up his arm for swelling.

"Honey, I think your wrist is hyper extended," you mumble, and he nods.

"Wouldn't be surprised. God... I'm so glad I'm home to you. I just went to a damn neighbourhood meeting where people treated me like I was Mr. Roger, or Kanye West if you count Jeanine, then _this_ shit happens?" He rubs over his face, and you rest your head against his leg, humming sadly and stroking over his knee.

 After a moment of silence, he looks down at you, and the both of you lock eyes, getting the same idea simultaneously. Trailing your hands down, you move slowly so that you're face is between his legs. You finally smirk, shaking you head. "Let me make it better?"

"Please, (y/n)," Johan whimpers, and you get on your knees in front of where he's sitting on the bed. Your hands go to his belt- you're going to take good care of him.

"Mmm... are you hard?" you ask, sultry eyes blinking up at him. He nods, his own eyes hooded.

"Yeah. Despite myself, yeah."

"Good, baby," you whisper, parting his knees and taking your time to pull down his jeans. You get to his boxers, sliding in between his legs to mouth at his hard cock through the material, and when he bucks against your mouth, you take mercy, pulling the boxers off too. "I'll never get tired of your cock," you grin, and sigh softly as you take his head between your lips, swirling your tongue around. 

"Shit," Johan gasps, "Oh, that's..."

You rub your hands up and down his thighs, taking him deeper. _He deserves this._ Bobbing your head back and forth, you swallow around his dick until you feel him begin to throb, the weight sitting heavy on your tongue.

"Wanna come in my mouth, or on my face?" you ask, and he gulps, head rolling back.

"M-mouth... just keep me there, babygirl... that's fucking good..."

"Mm, Johan," you moan, "You're so big, I can barely fit all of you." Taking a hand up to him, you pump him slowly with your careful sucking and kitten licks up the underside.

"Please," he repeats, voice a high, airy breath. He's desperate, his back is arching into you, and you know he's been through too much tonight.

"Love you," you whisper, "Love you so much, bad slam poetry and all."

"Hey, you think it's-? Ahhhhohhh fuck, yeah..."

Before he can go on, you promptly deep throat him, and with a sharp gasp and moan of your name, he comes down your throat with that beautiful expression of relaxation on his face. You lap all around the head of his swollen cock as he comes, and a little makes it onto your bottom lip; his thumb reaches down to swipe it off.

After catching his breath, he shakes his hair out, making a little heaving noise. "You give the best head," he grins, and you shove him.

" _Owowowow_!"

"Sorry! Ahh..."

"Hey. Love you," he says, kissing your forehead. You kiss his nose, then he lays you down, kissing you on the lips.

"You okay?" you ask quietly, playing with one of his curls, and he hums overtop of you, staring down into your eyes.

"Yeah. I guess I'd just been... living in my own post-racist Utopia, y'know?"

"It would be nice," you sigh, and he nods.

"Sure would." He rolls off.

"...Night, baby," you murmur, stroking along his sore shoulder.

"Gnight, (y/n). Don't know what I would do without you."


	6. Episode 3x14: The Name Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and sweet from the Valentine's episode :)

"Well... Valentine's Day is here," you squeal with a grin, and Johan hops over the couch in bare feet with a PB&J sandwich.

"That it is, sugar bae, our third Valentine's together. What're we gonna do this year? Let's make it special."

"Aside from the sex?"

"Aside from the sex, which will be nothing short of mind blowing."

You hum pensively, popping a handful of cinnamon hearts into your mouth and revelling in the pleasant burn.

"We could go to the bakery and buy cute little matching cakes with our initials on them."

"We could go tandem biking as we serenade each other with our favourite love songs."

"We could go to the beach and bang in the _ocean_!"

"It's February, babe, my dick will shrivel up and hide like a hermit crab."

"We could go for a nice, romantic walk in the park?"

"You could go get your bangs cut!" Dre suggests, walking by, and Johan glares after him.

"Tendrils!"

"What about..." you mull over.

"No, no, _no_!" you both suddenly hear Jack say, coming down the stairs, "You're never gonna get Shelly looking like that."

"But this is my great white shark tank top!" Junior complains, and you and Johan  look at each other. Maybe Valentine's Day would best be spent offering a little service where it's desperately needed.

"What's going on here?" you ask, and Johan comes up behind you, tying his hair in a bun.

"Yeah, who're you trying to woo today, stud?" Johan asks, coughing a little to hide a giggle at that last part. Junior whips around.

"Uncle Johan! The perfect person to help me- you're a sex god!" Johan chokes a little, and you shrug.

"Not wrong."

Johan's nephew turns to you. "So. How much experience do you have with girls, (y/n)?"

You and your boyfriend stare blankly at the teenager, waiting for him to process it, then he finally slaps his forehead.

"Of course! You _are_ a girl, so you would know."

Jack rolls his eyes, retreating back to his shared room, and Junior gets dead serious.

"So I'm completely in love with Zoey's best friend Shelly, and I want to ask her out tonight. What should I do?"

"First, replace everything in your closet with something tasteful, then invest in some metal to build the sister proof wall you're gonna need," Johan chuckles, and you nudge him.

"Just... um, don't change anything about yourself. Make sure you look presentable!"

"But Jack told me I have to change everything about myself to look presentable..."

"Don't listen to Jack," Johan mutters, "Kid is thirstier than me, he's gonna steal your girl like Capitalism stole the American dream."

" _Babe_ ," you hiss, and smile at Junior.

"Okay, so maybe don't do a complete 180. You've got style! Keep that." You hesitate. "Just... less sharks."

"But it's-"

"The damn shark could be as great white as the wine I drink, doesn't win you any more points with the ladies," Johan points out, taking another bite of his sandwich.

"Alright," the eldest boy began to nod, "Cool. I'm totally gonna win her over!"

\-----

A little later, you return from the nearly deserted beach. You did end up going- no ocean sex, though, only top stuff on the towel with ice cream involved (lucky for you, there was one ice cream shop open this early in the year- one.)

You come in making out full force, the door smashing open as Johan pulls at your bra straps and shimmies them down.

"Mmph," you moan into his mouth, capturing his bottom lip with your teeth, and he growls playfully, feeling up your ass as you tug his hair tie out.

You fully expect everyone to be either out on dates or asleep... Dre and Bow are out, as are Ruby and Zoe, Earl is asleep, Jack is asleep, but Diane is up hanging out on the couch with-

"Junior?" you ask, out of breath and scrambling to get your top back up in the presence of the ever cockblocking kids, "What are you two doing out here? Did it not work out with Stacey, then?"

"It did," he sighs, "Therein the problem lies." Johan clears his throat, rubbing the lipstick off his neck and face.

"Okay, explain. What happened?

"I neglected to tell Shelly about Meghan, my other," he out up air quotes, "Girlfriend." I also neglected to tell Meghan about Shelly, and... well..."

"It blew up in his face," Diane snarled, "Now Zoey's out with Shelly turning up, and we're both alone and pathetic on Valentine's day."

You and Johan both grimace, and Diane turns back to you, brow unfurrowed.

"Do you want to join us? We're watching people get wrecked on trampolines."

"Actually, we're kind of busy," you smile.

"Doing what?" Junior asks miserably.

" _Getting_ busy," Johan deadpans, sweeping you off you feet and carrying you upstairs.


End file.
